


allowed to feel

by suneye



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Bonding over trauma, Friendship, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Mentions of serious injuries, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Other, semi-canon-compliant
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-02
Updated: 2019-01-02
Packaged: 2019-10-02 17:14:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,045
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17268143
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/suneye/pseuds/suneye
Summary: "Clary, some guy breaking your spine isn't your fault.""But everything else was."





	allowed to feel

**Author's Note:**

> it's late and I'm too tired to proofread this (I'll go over it and edit mistakes tomorrow) but BASICALLY: Clary deserves to have negative feelings towards Jace for breaking her fucking spine and I wanted her to get a chance to talk to someone who'd kinda sorta get it.
> 
> also, I wrote this right after 3x07 came out so it's not totally canon-compliant but I hope it still makes sense as a sort of tiny canon-divergence. heed the warnings and I hope you like!

Maia's not used to seeing her out alone. She looks around for Jace or Luke or Simon or Izzy, even Magnus. But no - it's just Clary, hunched over an empty glass in the corner of the bar, staring off into space.

Maia walks over to her as casually as she can, trying to mask the fact that she's been staring. "Hey," she says cheerfully; Clary's head snaps up. "Need a refill?" Maia holds up her bottle of bourbon. Clary nods.

"The last guy gave me a virgin drink," Clary says with a smile. But it's a hollow smile, her mind clearly elsewhere. And it's hard to miss the bags under her eyes that concealer can't quite hide. She looks  _ exhausted _ .

"That is because you're eighteen," Maia says as she fills a new glass up. "But I'll cut you some slack since you look like you need it." She places the drink in front of Clary. Clary mumbles a thanks and wraps her fingers around the glass, but doesn't drink. Maia frowns. "You okay?"

Clary looks up at her, for just a moment, and then back down again. But it's enough - enough for Maia to see a deep vulnerability in her eyes she hasn't seen there before.

But then it's gone and Clary smiles and says, "yeah. Thanks."

Clary is the type of person to wear her emotions on her sleeves, so Maia doesn't understand why she's trying so hard to hide them. It could be because they're not close. Then again, she clearly needs someone to vent to, and though Maia hates conforming to bartender stereotypes, she can’t deny that…well, she’s worried.

"You sure?" Maia asks, deciding that if Clary plays it off again, she's not going to push anymore. She can only do so much for people she barely hangs out with.

Clary opens her mouth, then closes it and swallows. "A lot has been happening."

Maia nods. She waits for Clary to go on.

Clary shakes her head and forces another smile, changing the subject. "You seen Luke around?"

Okay. So she doesn't wanna talk.

That shouldn't bother Maia half as much as it does.

"He's on a date," Maia says. "With your boyfriend's mom, actually."

Clary's wince is barely noticeable, and gone as fast as it came, but Maia catches it. She hadn't meant for the comment to actually upset Clary. It was supposed to get an eye roll in response, maybe a chuckle, if Maia was lucky. Not... _ this _ .

Maia puts down the bottle she's holding and leans closer to Clary across the counter. "Is Jace okay?" she asks. She hopes Jace's well-being is the only reason Clary reacted like that at his mention, because the alternative is so much worse.

The alternative might make Maia kill someone tonight.

"Yeah," Clary says in a small voice. "He...I don't know if Luke told you, but-"

"He was possessed by the Queen of Edom," Maia finishes for her. "Yeah, Simon told me."

Clary nods. "He's fine now. Unpossessed and everything, thanks to Magnus. He needs time to recover, though. He didn't take any time right after it happened."

"He'll be fine," Maia says reassuringly. "He has a supportive family-" she raises an eyebrow at Clary. "-a great girlfriend...and he's strong. He's got this."

Clary nods and thanks her again, but doesn't look much better. She lifts her glass and downs the whole thing in one go.

"Whoa!" Maia reaches out in time to take the empty glass from her. "Christ, okay, here," she fills a different cup with water and forces it into Clary's hands. "If I let you get drunk alone at a bar, your dad's gonna kill me."

Clary obediently drinks half the content of the glass and makes a face. "You look tired," she says abruptly with newfound bravado. Maia rolls her eyes.

"The Downworld has had things going on, too," she says simply. "And I'm not getting you another drink, lest you start saying  _ everything _ that's on your mind."

That gets a genuine smile out of Clary. "I do that sober."

"True." Maia smirks. "But, hey, I've got Simon to talk to. Where are your Shadowhunter groupies?"

"At work," Clary says matter-of-factly. "Or, in Alec's case, at Magnus' place. So, you know, everything is normal."

"Except you're drinking alone."

Clary shrugs. "Needed to clear my head, I guess." She hesitates. "Hey, um...are you staying over at Simon's tonight?"

"No, why?"

"Well..." she shakes her head, as if ashamed of the idea. "I was gonna ask him to sleep over at his place. If that's okay with you, I mean."

“You have my blessing," Maia chuckles. She wishes Clary knew that just because they've both dated him, it doesn't mean Maia's going to be weird about her and Simon spending time together. She trusts Simon. She’s not going to prevent him from spending time with his best friend.

Clary breathes a sigh of relief and takes out her phone to type a text to Simon while Maia mixes a drink for another customer. When she returns to Clary, the other girl looks a little less anxious, but just as tired.

“You want something to eat?” Maia asks. Clary considers for a moment, then orders a plate of chips and retreats to a table in the back. That in itself would be fine, except two hours later, she’s still there.

“I can’t believe you still haven’t finished these,” Maia comments, sitting across from Clary and startling her. Her shift is over and Clary isn’t even halfway through the chips she’s bought. They’re very good chips. It’s ridiculous. “What’s going on with you?”

“Simon’s gonna be out late,” Clary says. “I’m just killing time.”

“Uh-huh,” Maia grabs a handful of chips and chews thoughtfully, studying Clary. “Any particular reason you don’t wanna go back to the Institute?”

Clary tenses, but forces a smile and shakes her head.

Maia hesitates. “Do you want me to call someone? Maybe Luke?” She asks; Clary shakes her head again. “How about Jace?”

Again, Clary’s reaction is worrying, to say the least: her shoulders hunch automatically and her bottom lip begins to quiver. She struggles to hide it, but the exhaustion must be catching up with her. Maia stands up.

“I have a key to Simon’s place,” she says quickly. “Come on, I’ll walk you.”

Clary nods wordlessly and follows her out of the Hunter’s Moon. Neither of them says anything as they walk down the busy streets towards Simon’s new apartment.

After about two blocks, Clary breaks down.

The sobs seem entirely involuntary and utterly draining. She collapses against the nearest wall. Her hands come up shakily to cover her face. Her phone drops to the ground at her feet, the edge of its casing chipping on the concrete. Maia can only stand there in stunned silence and watch as Clary curls in on herself on the dirty street corner and cries.

“Fuck,” Maia breathes, and crouches down in front of Clary. “Clary, are you…” She trails off, realizing  _ are you okay? _ is a rather stupid question. “Hey, what is it? Are you hurt?”

Clary shakes her head. “I’m sorry,” she sobs. “I- I can’t-”

She starts to fumble around clumsily for the phone she’s dropped. Maia picks it up to hand it to her - it’s still vibrating. She glances at the caller ID.

“It’s…Jace,” Maia says. “Do you want me to…?”

Clary swallows thickly. It doesn’t take a genius to connect the dots and realize golden boy’s call is what triggered such an intense reaction in her. Maia rejects the call and helps Clary off the ground.

“I’m sorry,” Clary says again.

“Clary, did he hurt you?” Maia asks abruptly. Her voice is low and quiet and sure - she already knows the answer.

Clary begins to shake her head, but stops. " _ He _ didn't," she says shakily. "But...when I ent to confront him after I found out he was the Owl- I shouldn't have gone after him. It was stupid. I was just so shocked and scared and-" she cuts herself off with another involuntary sob.

Maia is suddenly overcome with the need to protect her. Whether it's because Clary's young or her friend or just another girl who didn't deserve the horrible things that have happened to her, she doesn't know, but it doesn't stop her wanting to skin the person who's hurt her alive.

Clary clears throat and goes on, "I fought the Owl and he won. And I tried to reach out to him, to get him to break free from Lilith's control. I- I told him I loved him...and he threw me off an eight-story building and shattered my spine."

She's not crying anymore. Not really. Her eyes are red and puffy and her jaw is still quivering, but instead of tears, there is a cold, resigned look in her eyes.

And Maia feels like throwing up.

"Are you-" she tries to speak - but there are really no words for this situation. "God, Clary, that's...are you okay? I mean, how-"

"Magnus," Clary says, and for some reason there is an edge of guilt to her tone. "And Simon, and  _ Iratze _ , and some Shadowhunter medics. But mostly Magnus. Because all he does is walk around solving problems that I caused."

Maia swallows. "Clary, some guy breaking your spine isn't your fault."

"But everything else was."

Maia doesn't ask her to elaborate. Whatever it is, it doesn't feel like a conversation to be had tonight.

Instead, she changes the subject back. "You can't look at Jace the same way, can you?"

"No," Clary admits, her voice cracking. She leans back against the wall, the bone-deep tiredness she feels evident in her eyes. "No, and it's not  _ fair _ because this wasn't his fault! But I can't- I don't want him to touch me. I don't want him to kiss me or say my name or tell me he's sorry or that he loves me. I can't stop thinking about how stupid I felt when I told him I loved him and he just laughed. I can't stop thinking about how much it  _ hurt _ , how I couldn't  _ move _ ... I just...I want things to go back to the way they were." Fresh tears fill her eyes and she shakes her head, trying to will them away.

Maia doesn't say anything for a long time. She doesn't know what Clary's feeling. She was never in that situation. And she's certainly never broken her back. But while it's a vastly different situation, she knows a thing or two about being left for dead by people who are supposed to love you.

"I know," she says quietly.

Clary looks at her, fresh horror on her face. "You do?"

"Yeah," Maia purses her lips. "My abusive ex is back in town. And I won't let him leave." Clary blinks and tilts her head like a confused puppy. Maia can't help but savour the affectionate thought as she continues to explain: "He was sent by this organization to help Simon with the Mark on his head and I won't let him leave until Simon's safe."

"He's a Downworlder?" Clary asks.

Maia nods. She doesn't want to go into detail. "Point is, sometimes people you're supposed to trust will hurt you. And it doesn't matter whether they meant to or not. Whatever you're feeling - anger or pain or whatever else - you're allowed to feel it."

Clary looks at her for a moment, letting the words sink in. Then she steps forward and hugs her.

Maia is stunned for a second, not having expected it, but it's not a bad feeling, being wrapped up in Clary Fairchild's arms (no - she's Clary  _ Fray _ right now, no big intimidating Shadowhunter name attached to her, no legacy. Just a scared and angry teenage girl searching for any comfort she can find in a life that offers none.) She's small but muscular under her skin, her body running hot from all the crying as she presses her face into the crook of Maia's neck, wetting it with tears. Maia returns the hug, and feels instantly calmer and warmer, and they stand like that for a long time, reminding themselves and each other that they're not alone.

_ They're not alone. _


End file.
